American Idol: Elite Eight Night
With Bread out swilling eight dollar beers and watching exciting Tampa Bay Rays baseball, Robyn invites her friend Joey B over to analyze last night's performances on American Idol. Following tonight's phony baloney 'Idol Gives Back' broadcast, the AI list will be whittled from eight to seven on Thursday. In case you missed the action, all you need to know is inside, plus a photo of Paula's chihuahuas.
Staying true to theme week, the Idol hopefuls performed inspirational songs to gear up for the 'Idol Gives Back' show airing later this week. For those of you who don’t know, Idol Gives Back is a self-indulgent fund raiser put on so that millionaire musicians and actors can feel good about themselves for a minute by raising money for poor people and stuff.
Bread had tickets to opening night for the Rays game, so I have special guest Joey B joining me for this week's column.
Michael Johns – ‘Dream On’ by Aerosmith
Odds Before Show: 8/1
Odds After the Show: +900
Robyn: I guess the ascot is working for Michael because he chose to wear it for his performance again this week. Maybe it’s some sort of talisman and he fears that if he removes it, his smoldering sexuality will flutter away with the wind.
Beetlejuice was jamming out on the guitar while this Aussie “hottie” let out some terrible screeching noises that can only be attributed to his tight dress pants. His vocals were less than average and quite frankly, Bread sings the song much better at dive karaoke bars. If Michael wants to stick around for another week or two, he needs to start proving that he is the rock star he thinks he is.
Joey B: He’s no Steven Tyler, is he? It was a superbly bad song choice for him, but he sang it as well as could be expected. A poor performance this week, but I don’t think it hurts his chances going forward.
Randy: Pretty good but had pitch problems
Paula: It was a perfect song for you to pick.
Simon: I thought it was a very good performance but a little bit “wannabeish.”
Syesha Mercado – ‘I Believe’ by Fantasia
Odds Before Show: 30/1
Odds After the Show: +3233
Robyn: When I watch this girl sing and speak, it’s as if I am watching another human being living inside of a feigning bubble of reality. I want so much to like Syesha, but the bubble keeps getting in the way. She is one of the more talented of the remaining contestants, but she has absolutely no clue how to connect with the audience.
Being a former musical theatre brat, I am sorry to say that her lack of connection probably has a lot to do with her own little world that she creates on stage during her performances. The judges kept comparing her to Fantastic Burrito. If I were Syesha, I would have thrown my shoes at them. Sadly, I think this is the end of the road for Bread’s girlfriend.
Joey B: I’ll never understand why they continue to choose songs by previous Idol contestants. I never liked the song in the first place; it reminds me of one of those horrible email forwards that inundate my inbox from halfwit relatives. I don’t think she has a big following and this could be the performance that sends her home.
Randy: It was just ok… I felt no connection with you.
Paula: This is one of your most shining nights.
Simon: I thought you sang it well, but it lacked that big wave of emotion.
Jason Castro – ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole
Odds Before Show: 30/1
Odds After the Show: +1900
Robyn: I finally figured out who Jason looks like. It has been bothering me for a few weeks now. The cheerleader (Hayden Panettiere) from Heroes. Yep.
Next to ‘Hallelujah,’ this was my second favorite performance from Jason so far this season. Randy loved it most of all saying, “Dude, Jason Castro is back – hottest crazy molten hot!” Or something like that.
Joey B: I know it’s sappy, but I love this song…except when Jason Castro sings it. This performance would be better suited to a Hampshire College dorm room on hookah night (every night is hookah night!) than American Idol. If based on pure performance, Castro would be going home, but he’s got a decent following of girls who melt when they see his bloodshot blue eyes. I think the judges have been smoking some of his stash.
Randy: Jason Castro is back in the hunt!
Paula: You have the most definitive sound.
Simon: Fantastic!
Kristy Lee Cook – ‘Anyway’ by Martina McBride
Odds Before Show: 125/1
Odds After the Show: +4900
Robyn: Keeping her eyes closed for about 55% of the song, Kristy took on far too big a song for her abilities. I don’t know what it is about this wacky girl, but every time she slips into a pair of britches, she starts squatting, bouncing and spitting like a man. Although Kristy’s pitch was all over the place, the judges seemed to love her. I think she is safe this week, but if all is well in the world, she will be gone next week.
Let’s take a moment to admire Paula’s chihuahuas:
Joey B: Kristy surprised me tonight with a great performance. Someone finally got through to her about song choice and she is definitely playing to her strengths and her audience. She’ll be going home before it’s all over, but she won’t be the next one leaving.
Randy: I loved that. That was really good for you.
Paula: I think you outdid yourself tonight.
Simon: I thought you were very good indeed. Tonight you looked like a star.
David Cook – ‘Innocent’ by Our Lady Peace
Odds Before Show: 3/2
Odds After the Show: +300
Robyn: It is said that every good performer deserves a bad performance every now and then. If this is true, David Cook was playing second base for the Detroit Tigers this week. What a mess. Despite his lackluster performance, he is safe from the bottom three, and I am still expecting him to win it all.
Joey B: I must not get out much, because I have never heard this song. Or maybe it was just because of his horrible performance. It was a train wreck and he sounded like a hobo drunk on Ripple when he sang in the lower register. He has a major stumble after several weeks of clear sailing. He won’t go home Thursday, but he can’t have too many more nights like this.
Randy: I’m not sure this is one of your strongest weeks.
Paula: You are so well defined by this song.
Simon: I thought it was pompous.
Carly Smithson – ‘The Show Must Go on’ by Queen
Odds Before Show: 17/2
Odds After the Show: +2400
Robyn: Being one of the only non-Queen fans of the world (I thank my mom and dad for that), I had no clue that ‘The Show Must Go On’ was not a Moulin Rouge original. Oops.
I cannot stress enough how amazing Carly’s voice is. While watching the show, I thought she did a pretty decent job and felt that the judges were a little harsh with their critique. I just watched the video of the performance and changed my opinion. She was borderline shouting the entire song, she looked like she wanted to kill someone and I think she might have even been marching on the stage at one point. I think she will be in the bottom three but will not be going home.
Joey B: I love Queen. I can’t stand the fact that in the last year everyone seems to have rediscovered them though. No one is going to have it easy trying to live up to Freddy Mercury and this was a major mistake. An angry performance indeed. On the other hand, she looked pretty good tonight. I don’t see her connecting with the audience and she could be packing her bags soon.
Randy: It was disconnected for me.
Paula: I didn’t feel engaged with you.
Simon: You lost control of the song.
David Archuletta - ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams
Odds Before Show: 5/4
Odds After the Show: -150
Robyn: It is clear why this kid is -150. David is an absolutely brilliant singer with flawless vocal runs and incredible pitch. I would take his version of ‘Angels’ over Robbie Williams any day. The girls in the crowd still love David and they scream every two seconds to make sure that he knows it. If you are looking for a safe bet that won’t win you much money, go with this kid. I won’t bank on him winning because the favorite never does.
Joey B: The grinning monkey strikes again. I finally figured out who he reminds me of - Arnie Arom "What’s Eating Gilbert Grape." This song made me think he was the second coming of Richard Marx, and that’s not a good thing. A good, if forgettable, performance. With his strong following in the teen girl voting block, he’s still a lock for top three.
Randy: That was your hottest moment of the whole season.
Paula: Fantastic!
Simon: Best song choice of the night so far. It was a bit nasally, though.
Robyn: So I guess it must be the week for look-alike revelations. While watching David, it finally came to me that he is the spitting image of the adorable 80’s toy, monchichi.
Brooke White – ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ by Carole King
Odds Before Show: 25/1
Odds After the Show: +1900
Robyn: Brooke is musically talented, but boring. I don’t care for her voice and she comes across as a bit arrogant at times. I have a feeling that she will be in the bottom three this week.
Joey B: Brooke’s strength is in her vulnerability and this song was a perfect choice for her. She’s not going to win, or even come in the top three, but she will give consistent performances which may lead to a record deal for her. Her dress looked like bad 60’s wallpaper though.
Randy: I wasn’t jumping up and down.
Paula: I think it’s a perfect way to end the show.
Simon: It’s a pleasant walk in the park.
Bread’s Crazy Bets: David Archuleta NOT to win, -120. David Cook to win, +160. Carly Smithson to last longer than Brooke White, -150.
Robyn’s Bottom Three:
I wonder how Chikezie’s doing.
American Idol: Elite Eight Night
) and my head exploded.
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