[HedgeHog]

Back in the 70's and 80's, the Dean Martin roasts were simply awesome. A respected star would be "honored" by his counterparts with friendly banter and at the end, he would have his final say against all his friends. I know many of you are in their 20's and may only know this from reruns, but this serves as respect, a tribute if you will, to people you look up to. So this week, I honor Ganch.

Ganch has been an inspiration to me since I joined the Forum a few months ago. His calculators (the Ganchulators) are awesome and serve a practical purpose. I thought I was a hot crap before I joined, but Ganch's genius set me straight.

What you may not know about him is that women tout him as an awesome lover. He knows every sexual position and each has 3 standard deviations. Also, he knows his "pie" (3.14159....), something every female appreciates.

I hope every poster will come forward and thank Ganch for what he brings to the SBR Forum.

Sincerely, HH

[HedgeHog]

Obviously a bad idea. I forgot my target audience. Thanks anyways, Ganch. Your calculators save/make me money.

[dwaechte]

I certainly appreciate Ganch. All of his tools are extremely useful and have been a great help. He's also been a great help for me in learning some of the basics of gambling.

That being said, I don't have the wit/humour to do a proper roast.

[HAPPY BOY]

Ganch, who the f\*\*k is ganch. thank u

[SBR Lou]

What you may not know about him is that women tout him as an awesome lover. He knows every sexual position and each has 3 standard deviations. Also, he knows his "pie" (3.14159....), something every female appreciates.

This is strong. I cannot think of anything to add.

[HedgeHog]

This is strong. I cannot think of anything to add.

Thanks Crazyl. I'm not asking others to be funny, just give Ganch his due---and you did (as did dwaechte). The idea is for posters to step up and give thanks to those that have given so much to us. Ganch is such a guy, and he probably doesn't even know how much he's appreciated.

[The Prick]

I certainly appreciate Ganch. All of his tools are extremely useful and have been a great help. He's also been a great help for me in learning some of the basics of gambling.

That being said, I don't have the wit/humour to do a proper roast.

Ganch......tool......see, you got wit kid

[HedgeHog]

Ganch......tool......see, you got wit kid

The Prick should get his day too; we'll have a "weeny roast".

[The HG]

Ok, great to be here, great to be here, no seriously folks, ok, great to be here, honoring Ganch, a great guy, I mean come on folks, a great guy, I mean come on - Ganch is the only guy I know who if he's using two calculators at the same time - he considers it a "threesome". I mean I wish I could get that excited by calculators but no seriously, ok seriously, I mean come on, come on, does anyone love math more than Ganch? I mean when he turns on his calculator - he's really trying to turn it on, you know what I'm saying? And he's smart, boy is he smart. I'm telling you, he's so smart, back in school - the Chi-NESE kids used to cheat off of HIM! Ok no but seriously, and he's a programmer too, a lot of people don't know that, yeah he used to have a lot of cracked programs but now they're just loose and sloppy, he can't feel anything anymore, he can't feel anything. Come on Ganch, use a little restraint, they might last you a little longer, you know what I'm saying? Ok no but seriously folks, he's a great guy, and his math stuff really works too, it takes Ganch longer to lose his bankroll than any other gambler I know. Seriously, it's impressive, it really is. No but seriously, ok well I guess my time is up here, no but I'd like to leave you with just one thing, just one thing to remember about Ganch: in order to make gambling tools, you really have to be one yourself, and so that's why, yeah folks, that's why we're here today honoring him, so ok folks, yeah ok give it up for Ganch folks, ok.

[Willie Bee]

I tell ya', Ganch gets no respect. When SBR hired him he was flying down to Texas but got arrested boarding the plane leaving New York. They found a compass, a protractor and a calculator in his carry-on and accused him of being part of the Al-Gebra terrorist network and charged him with being in possession of weapons of math instruction.

I asked him during the interview how many kind of mathemeticians there are, and he told me 10, those who can think binarily and those who can't.

Ganch asked what math I was good at and I told him farmer's trigonometry, then the made me explain swine and coswine to him.

The guy tries to impress me with all of his fancy degrees, but I didn't bite. I asked him what was the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza, and I'm not sure if he understood the answer, that being a large pizza can feed a family of four.

But no, I kid around, he's a great guy and his gal could give a yak cardiac arrest. I mean, what a pair of binomial integers she has. But that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be, I tell ya'. Ganch is into scientific computing and she's incalculable.

So I tell him I'm into baseball and he starts spewing all of these statistics and can't believe I don't have them memmorized. I tell him stats and statisticians are full of more sh¡t than a Christmas turkey. To stat-heads, a guy could have his head in a hot oven and his feet in an ice bucket, and a statistician would tell you he was perfectly comfortable.

I ask him for his phone number and he writes down 1-800-[(10x)(13i)³]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

I take him out to dinner one night and tell him to order the Math Special. He asks what that is and I tell him it's prime rib, the first derivative of a cow.

I ask him if he's heard the one...and he cut me off mid-joke and tells me he probably has.

Mr. and Mrs. Ganch were talking one night about having children. Jen Bird mulls having a large family but Ganch says three will be the limit. She asks him why and he tells her that statistics show that every fourth child born into the world is Chinese, and Ganch isn't sure he can learn that language.

Seriously, Ganch's knowledge humbles me, and it's been a real privilege and an education being around him here at SBR. Can't wait to meet up with the guy and take his vodka challenge next spring.

[HedgeHog]

Ok, great to be here, great to be here, no seriously folks, ok, great to be here, honoring Ganch, a great guy, I mean come on folks, a great guy, I mean come on - Ganch is the only guy I know who if he's using two calculators at the same time - he considers it a "threesome". I mean I wish I could get that excited by calculators but no seriously, ok seriously, I mean come on, come on, does anyone love math more than Ganch? I mean when he turns on his calculator - he's really trying to turn it on, you know what I'm saying? And he's smart, boy is he smart. I'm telling you, he's so smart, back in school - the Chi-NESE kids used to cheat off of HIM! Ok no but seriously, and he's a programmer too, a lot of people don't know that, yeah he used to have a lot of cracked programs but now they're just loose and sloppy, he can't feel anything anymore, he can't feel anything. Come on Ganch, use a little restraint, they might last you a little longer, you know what I'm saying? Ok no but seriously folks, he's a great guy, and his math stuff really works too, it takes Ganch longer to lose his bankroll than any other gambler I know. Seriously, it's impressive, it really is. No but seriously, ok well I guess my time is up here, no but I'd like to leave you with just one thing, just one thing to remember about Ganch: in order to make gambling tools, you really have to be one yourself, and so that's why, yeah folks, that's why we're here today honoring him, so ok folks, yeah ok give it up for Ganch folks, ok.

PS Willie, great tribute as well.

[Willie Bee]

The Prick should get his day too; we'll have a "weeny roast".

This is your baby, Hedge, let the order be as you wish.

[Shark79]

Ok, great to be here, great to be here, no seriously folks, ok, great to be here, honoring Ganch, a great guy, I mean come on folks, a great guy, I mean come on - Ganch is the only guy I know who if he's using two calculators at the same time - he considers it a "threesome". I mean I wish I could get that excited by calculators but no seriously, ok seriously, I mean come on, come on, does anyone love math more than Ganch? I mean when he turns on his calculator - he's really trying to turn it on, you know what I'm saying? And he's smart, boy is he smart. I'm telling you, he's so smart, back in school - the Chi-NESE kids used to cheat off of HIM! Ok no but seriously, and he's a programmer too, a lot of people don't know that, yeah he used to have a lot of cracked programs but now they're just loose and sloppy, he can't feel anything anymore, he can't feel anything. Come on Ganch, use a little restraint, they might last you a little longer, you know what I'm saying? Ok no but seriously folks, he's a great guy, and his math stuff really works too, it takes Ganch longer to lose his bankroll than any other gambler I know. Seriously, it's impressive, it really is. No but seriously, ok well I guess my time is up here, no but I'd like to leave you with just one thing, just one thing to remember about Ganch: in order to make gambling tools, you really have to be one yourself, and so that's why, yeah folks, that's why we're here today honoring him, so ok folks, yeah ok give it up for Ganch folks, ok.

Can I have some of whatever ur smoking ??

[Shark79]

I have never used Ganchs calculators ... will give it a try ... and seeing previous post from him ... this guy does know his game!

[pokernut9999]

I tell ya', Ganch gets no respect. When SBR hired him he was flying down to Texas but got arrested boarding the plane leaving New York. They found a compass, a protractor and a calculator in his carry-on and accused him of being part of the Al-Gebra terrorist network and charged him with being in possession of weapons of math instruction.

I asked him during the interview how many kind of mathemeticians there are, and he told me 10, those who can think binarily and those who can't.

Ganch asked what math I was good at and I told him farmer's trigonometry, then the made me explain swine and coswine to him.

The guy tries to impress me with all of his fancy degrees, but I didn't bite. I asked him what was the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza, and I'm not sure if he understood the answer, that being a large pizza can feed a family of four.

But no, I kid around, he's a great guy and his gal could give a yak cardiac arrest. I mean, what a pair of binomial integers she has. But that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be, I tell ya'. Ganch is into scientific computing and she's incalculable.

So I tell him I'm into baseball and he starts spewing all of these statistics and can't believe I don't have them memmorized. I tell him stats and statisticians are full of more sh¡t than a Christmas turkey. To stat-heads, a guy could have his head in a hot oven and his feet in an ice bucket, and a statistician would tell you he was perfectly comfortable.

I ask him for his phone number and he writes down 1-800-[(10x)(13i)³]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

I take him out to dinner one night and tell him to order the Math Special. He asks what that is and I tell him it's prime rib, the first derivative of a cow.

I ask him if he's heard the one...and he cut me off mid-joke and tells me he probably has.

Mr. and Mrs. Ganch were talking one night about having children. Jen Bird mulls having a large family but Ganch says three will be the limit. She asks him why and he tells her that statistics show that every fourth child born into the world is Chinese, and Ganch isn't sure he can learn that language.

Seriously, Ganch's knowledge humbles me, and it's been a real privilege and an education being around him here at SBR. Can't wait to meet up with the guy and take his vodka challenge next spring.

pretty damn funny Willie

[SBR Lou]

Willies winning the roast right now just because of more material, I think you can take back the lead HedgeHog with some more lines.

[HedgeHog]

Willies winning the roast right now just because of more material, I think you can take back the lead HedgeHog with some more lines.

I don't mind being upstaged (I thought HG kicked both our asses); this is all for Ganch. Hope others step forward and say congrats to him.

[BEANTOWNJIM]

I AM NEW AT THIS FORUM AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU I DONT NO ANYTHING ABOUT GANCH EXCEPT I THINK I WATCHED THE JJGOLD GANCH VIDEO WHERE HE SAID GANCH WAS A F-CKING NUT.AND IF JJGOLD SAID THE F-CKING GUY WAS A NUT THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

BOYS I HAVE SOME INSIDE INFORMATION THIS WEEKEND STAY TUNED

I GRIN WHEN I WIN

[jjgold]

90% of posters really have little value for those calcs and 90% have no clue what they actually are or what numbers mean and not knocking posters just stating facts.

They are excellent but one must have very good math skills to understand them and apply them to sportsbetting.

[pico]

ganch is just a washed up trader who gets drunk every night and pick on highschool students with no math skills

[BEANTOWNJIM]

JJGOLD YOU HAVE BEEN IN THIS GAMBLING RACKET AS LONG AS ME 25 YEARS I DONT CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS NOBODY HAS A SYSTEM ITS ALL LUCK.ITS A GUESSING GAME AND SOMETIMES YOU GUESS RIGHT.YOUR AT THE MERCY OF THESE F-CKING NIGERIANS SOMETIMES THEY WANT TO PLAY AND OTHER NIGHTS THEY DONT WANT TO PLAY SO TELL ME HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO PLAY.I BET A LOT OF NBA GAMES TO ME THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING GAME TO BET HOWEVER WITH THESE OVERPAYED JANITORS HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THEY ARE GOING TO TRY.YOU WONT GET LAZY BUMS LIKE ALLAN IVERSON TO COME TO THE COURT EVERY GAME AND GIVE 100% THEY LAY DOWN A LOT IN THE NIGERIAN BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION ITS OUR JOB AS GAMBLERS TO GUESS WHEN THEY ARE TIRED.THIS SOUNDS F-CKING CRAZY BUT ITS TRUE IN ALL SPORTS NOBODY KNOWS WHEN A TEAM IS GOING TO PLAY TRUE TO FORM ITS ALL A GUESS.

THE ONLY WAY TO WIN AT GAMBLING IS TO SPOT BET WATCH ONE OR TWO TEAMS NO MORE AND CONCENTRATE ON EACH ONE OF THERE GAMES CLOSELY AND PICK UP TRENDS.I AM WAITING FOR THE CELTICS TO LOSE TWO GAMES IN A ROW THEN I AM GOING TO BET THEM FOR THE LIMIT IT WILL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY

[HedgeHog]

ganch is just a washed up trader who gets drunk every night and pick on highschool students with no math skills

I wish I could pick up young women. Why should I care if they know math?

[Destroyer]

.

[pico]

I wish I could pick up young women. Why should I care if they know math?

on not up

[Ganchrow]

OK It's late and I'm tired but here goes:

Wow, this is quite an honor. Thank you. I mean I know I'm smart, but when I read all these comments about me I realize some of you are pretty smart too.

The truth is one of the last thing I want to do is insult any of you. Still, it is on my list.

Anyway HedgeHog ... a roast. What a great idea. I mean there hasn't been an idea this good at SBR since someone decided to hire BigBoyDan as a proofreader.

But thanks, HedgeHog. you're probably the perfect person to organize a roast for. I mean I'm a pretty quantitative guy and so are you. I can say with confidence you are to quantitative analysis what Pamela Anderson is ... to quantitative analysis. You've done a great job with this thread, HH. You really put the "suck" in success.

And the Prick, despite what people say about him, he's actually a great guy. He's a nice person with a really big heart. He's touched so many people over the years ... and a few of them even appropriately. "Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery," The Prick once told me, "Stalking is." I mean the guy's got so many restraining orders against him he can't even go within 50 feet of any major US city.

Of course not being able to travel isn't really such a big deal for The Prick. He's not exactly a man of the world. I mean the only culture the guy's got is the bacteria growing on the underside of his testicles. Although we can't really be 100% certain it's bacteria ... that's just what Sean said it smelled like. (But to be fair it's probably not that easy for Sean to smell The Prick's balls ... Hell, I doubt he can smell anything after with his lips so tightly stuck to John Walker's ass).

And Willie ... that Willie is a hell of a guy. Still, he might lack a wee bit of professional direction. One day he told his wife, "I don't know what I'm doing with my life any more".
"Honey, just follow your dreams," she said.
So the next day he showed up to work naked. Which was a bit scary because right after that The Prick had a stroke. But luckily everything's fine now ... Bill's washed out his left eye and it's almost regained full vision.

But you know what? You've really got to give it to up to Willie. The guy's a hard worker. He works 24/7. Of course that's 24 hours a week, 7 weeks a year. But hey ... it's not like John Walker can count anyway. Am I right?

But really Willie does needs to get some time off. I mean let's face it the guy's no spring chicken. He's so old he has to shop at Extremely Old Navy. He's so old he talks about the best thing before sliced bread. He's so old that last time he went to funeral home, the funeral director told his wife, "I'm sorry ma'am, but the loading dock in the back".

And you also gotta hand it to Picoman. He's really an inspiration. I mean what he done to fight prejudice in the world is really quite admirable. I mean the guy's single-handedly proven that it's possible to be Asian and totally suck at math. Or to be Asian and really, really, really stupid. Or to be Asian and have a regular size pen—nah, I'm just joking about that one. Had you going there though, didn't I?

And what about that HG fellow? I don't know if you've ever met him before but that's one hairy dude. I mean he looks like Chewbacca dipped in vat of Rogaine. He told me he's taking a week off from work next month and I asked what his plans were. He said was shaving his back.

But seriously though, the guy does dream big. He once told me his goal in life was to live forever. "How's that going?" I asked him.
"So far so good," he said.

Still, HG's really not the best with the ladies. He once confided in me that he had a difficult time on dates and always felt awkward moving in to kiss a girl. Personnally, my guess is that he's thrown off by the screams of 'Rape!'. That and the chloroform.

HG was supposed to go on this blind date last week and was getting nervous. He asked me what he could do to make a good first impression.
"Bring her some gifts, "I told him.
So he brought a ball gag and blister pack of roofies. (Which, by the way, didn't go over quite as well as you might have anticipated.)

And what about that Beantown Jim? Where did that hell did that Johan Kepler come from? Beantown Jim -- a perfect distraction for those of us who find JJ Gold a bit too classy and intellectual.

Stilll, as funny as he might be I have to say that BTJ's grammar and diction leave much to be desired. The guy makes JJ Gold and BigBoyDan look like Strunk and White.

Speaking of JJ Gold I'd also like to thank JJ for all his abundant wit, wisdom and perspicacity. The guy really proves that even though there's no "I" in team, there are still 4 in "platitude-spouting idiot".

Although we really should probably go easy on JJ. I heard he just found his girlfriend fooling around with another guy. It's especially sad because JJ fell off the ladder jerking off.

Anyway, guys. It's been great. Drive safely and make sure to the tip wait staff. Those kids really work hard out there. Thank you, good night, and may the gods bless you all.

[HAPPY BOY]

Bravo, Bravo Ganch well ended Like a true roast.

[zootiehead]

Good thread. I'd say do JJ next but he pretty much gets roasted every day anyway.

[jjgold]

Zootie I am always one step ahead of Ganch and he knows this, I set traps for him and he puts one foot in and almost falls for it.

[HedgeHog]

Ganch, what a great sport you are. Thanks for participating in the first SBR Mod roast... not that you had a choice. Your rebuttal was the best roast of all, IMO. Next week we'll pick on an easier target. If anybody has any suggestions on who deserves such an "honor", send me a PM--and include any dirt you have on them.

[Willie Bee]

Great visuals, Destroyer

Excellent stuff, Ganch And once again, great idea Hedge! Keep 'em coming.

[20Four7]

I just caught this thread.... well done boys. All I want to know is where I can learn to understand Ganchenese. One day I will not only understand it but learn to speak it. While I don't think he's made me any money, he has saved me a few dollars so I guess that's the same.

Keep up the good work, it is appreciated.

PS.... if some of the people who posted here are passing around the smoke, I'll take some