Motivational Speech
Replace Cracker Jacks with jumping jacks.
Replace McDonald's fries with squats for your thunder thighs.
Chewing chocolate bars is not the same as doing chin ups.
Schedule:
7.00 - Wake up
7.01 - Tilt ass and slip out of bed without stepping on empty pizza box.
7.05 - Look in mirror, work on tout routine, tell yourself you are sexy and squeeze
together
7.10 - Go to bathroom, step on scale. Tell yourself that soon the needle will not max out at 285.
7.15 - Go to kitchen, take bacon out of fridge. Look in mirror, ask yourself what the difference is between you and what's in your hand.
7.20 - By now you should be angry at yourself. Go onto balcony. You can wear pants but must remain topless. People walking by will point and laugh and call you names: baby fat, Babe, useless tout phuck, etc. Throw the bacon at them. This will work your arms.
7.30 - Go back to kitchen, open dishwasher and take out some dirty dishes. Lick them clean. This will condition you into thinking that food is
not all there is to life.
8.00 - Throw up.
8.05 - Step on scale, see if needle is still at 'max'.
8.30 - Shower. Make sure not to slip in order to have an excuse not to work out for two weeks.
9.00 - Grab the two towels you need to dry your huge ass off.
9.30 - Get your jumpsuite and go to the gym.
10.00 - Survey the women. Find the hottest one in the gym and approach.
10.05 - Say "hey there, my name is Dave, and I am chronically obese. Can you help me get on a workout regime?".
10.06 - If she says sure, follow her instructions. If she tells you to screw off, take out your anger on a punching bag.
12.00 - By now you must be sweaty and starving. You're in luck, I'm going to let you leave the gym!
12.30 - Go to the shadiest part of town. Find a group of brothaz and try your tout routine on them.
12.35 - By now you should be running for your life. This is the best cardio you will get all day. If they don't catch you, great. If they do, maybe they can pound some fat out of you.
1.00 - Go home, relax. A normal person by now would be panicking since he forgot to call work to say he wouldn't be coming in. But you are an unemployed degenerate who thinks he can make his living flipping an unfair coin.
2.00 - Look in mirror for an hour, tell yourself you
will lose weight and will look like Quebbler in no time. Do some jumping jacks. Look at those phuckin titties bounce!
3.00 - Go online, look at American health expenditures related to obesity. What a huge number. Blame yourself for all of this.
4.00 - Step on your remote. You will be changing channels on your TV manually now. If you have satellite, loosen the screws on your dish so you have to climb out there to re-align it every 10 minutes.
5.00 - Read a book on the mathematics of sports betting. Try to come to the understanding that you are a loser gambler and will need to get a real job soon.
6.00 - Take a box and unfold it. Write on the remaining piece of cardboard: "Starving. Please help." Go out to busy street corner and sit there. Make sure you wear that retarded headset. This should be the easiest part of your routine since by now your self-confidence should be totally shot.
8.00 - Take out quarter. Practice flipping coins. Record results. You will notice that after 1000 flips, there are more of either heads or tails. Frantically search the internet to see if there is a betting market for coin flipping. Post your picks with write-ups. Ignore any threads that include the words "probability", "variance", etc.
10.00 - Get ready for bed. Put on your Winnie the Pooh pyjamas, brush teeth, and read a fairy tale about the pudgy kid who once beat the bookmaker. Fall asleep and dream of a world where lines aren't efficient estimators of game outcomes.
Repeat
Mathdotcom's Workout Routine for Vegas Dave
