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Every good dine and dash begins with a scouting report. You need to go into the establishment and get a feel for the layout. You are mostly interested in one where there are mostly waitresses and no male waiters with the ability to catch you should there be an outdoor foot pursuit. But in particular, scouting means checking to see if there is an exit close to the washrooms. If the washrooms are near the kitchen you are usually in luck since the grubby kitchen staff will need an exit to chuck all of their old asparagus etc. I used to work as a dishwasher. I am not proud of it but I have come a long way and do not forget the things I have learned along the journey.

Anyways, the next step is to determine whether you will bring someone with you or not. Do not dine and dash on a first date. Only Deuce would do something so fukkin stupid. It is possible to bring a friend to also dine and dash with you, but this is more complicated and requires a separate thread. For the remainder, I will assume you are dining seule.

1] Enter the establishment of your choice
2] Greet the hostess kindly, tell her you are by yourself, and so you will just sit somewhere at the back out of everyone's way. She will be happy to oblige. Little does she know you are trying to get as close to the fukkin exit as you can!!
3] Be nice to the waiter/waitress. Chat them up, get to know who are you stiffing.
4] Order whatever you like, though I recommend you do not consume too much alcohol as this will not facilitate a smooth getaway. Tell the waitress what great service she is providing and that she will be rewarded generously. This is part of the dining and dashing experience. If you just sit down all grumpy and then bolt, it really is not very satisfying. Also, if they suspect you are going to dash, your gentle witty banter will set their minds at ease.
5] When you finish your meal and the waitress comes and asks you if you'd like anything else, just say no, that meal was fantastic and the creme brulee was especially decadent. Ask for the bill. As she turns around to go get bill, wipe mouth with napkin, leave it folded nicely on table. Show some fukkin class.
6] Smile around the room, walk towards the washrooms.

KEY POINT:
7] Do NOT begin to run while still inside the restaurant. This will only excite everyone and they will begin to chase you immediately. Instead, open the exit door in a calm manner, let it close behind you and then RUN LIKE A FUKKIN JEW CHASING A NICKEL. They cannot see you running because the door is closed and by the time anyone saunters over to check to see if you're outside having a smoke, you are fukkin long gone. This is where all the gentlemanly etiquette came in handy. They will give you the benefit of the doubt, and it will buy you precious seconds.

Hop onto your preferred method of public transportation and rest your stomach from the hard run. You've earned it.

Follow up posts may involve proper running technique, tips to deal with crowds, close combat, proper knife technique, and hostage situations.