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Before I even get started on the Final 13 contestants for Season 8 of American Idol, I first have talk about my favorite trainwreck for a minute - Paula Abdul. It’s not like anything that this woman could possibly do would surpass the horror shop of comedy that she has already brought me. Her pill-popping persona has given me more joy than one could ever measure. The thing with Paula is, she at least always looked good. I think it’s safe to say that the bottom has finally fallen out for America’s favorite Laker Girl.
I’m hardly the fashion Gestapo, but even I know that when you spray on fake bake about 10 shades too dark, splatter a bucket of glitter all over your face, and wear a dead ostrich on your shoulder, you’re going to come off looking like a tranny. I had the displeasure of witnessing this in HD. Remember in the movie ‘The Ring’, when they find the dead girl in the closet? That’s what I looked like for the first hour of the show. God bless you Paula Abdul!
Tonight is Michael Jackson night which I found humorous because Paula was trying to make herself darker. The bottom two performers will be going home tonight. The show announced that there would be a new twist unveiled as far as the elimination process. This could absolutely affect some outcomes, so I’ll wait til I find out what it is to comment on it.
Odds listed are from before the show aired. You can probably find updated odds at several books throughout the day. I’m mainly dealing with Matchbook, BetJamaica and WSEX for now.
Lil Rounds +500
The Memphis mother of three started the evening off with “The Way You Make Me Feel”. Well here’s the way that I feel: We’re still just fine with Fantasia Barrino, but try again in another five years. We’ll be ready to crown another sassy soul momma by then.
There is nothing wrong with Lil, and she should definitely finish in the top quarter of this pool. But part of picking a winner for this show, is figuring out the voting public. After America voted Fantasia as the winner several years ago, she hasn’t been heard from since, unless you follow the gospel circuits. That’s great for her, but people want a hit-maker in their winner like Clarkson, Underwood and Hicks (just kidding). Lil can belt with the best of them, but the similarities to Barrino are too many, and she will not be your winner.
Lil Rounds Redux
Scott MacIntyre +1250
I’m really not being rude. Please don’t think that I am. But there is a very good reason that Ray Charles and Stevie always wore dark-tinted shades. I wanted to enjoy MacIntyre’s rendition of “Keep The Faith”, but I was mesmerized by his hypnotic eyes as they wandered around the set aimlessly. It was like watching Kaa in The Jungle Book. Also, just because you’re blind, doesn’t give your family an excuse to allow you to grow Art Garfunkel hair. It just doesn’t.
Overall, I thought he sounded fantastic. He will incorporate the piano into many of his songs, which is a big bonus. MacIntyre is really a tough contestant to handicap, but I can’t see him making it to the top 3. OK, now I’m being rude. I’m sorry.
Danny Gokey +400
Gokey is one of the two heavy favorites thus far, along with Adam Lambert. I’m just not that impressed. That’s not to say that he can’t win, because he can. My wife Robyn compared his voice to Michael McDonald, then Simon did the same. Is that really a good sound to possess?
He will be around for awhile, possibly even until the final show. We will hear about his recently deceased wife several more times than we already have, and the pity vote will push him further than the talent vote ever could. I’m banking on one thing though.
Remember Melinda Doolittle and David Archuleta? Both were heavy frontrunners to win in the last two seasons. At some point, the voting public became annoyed with them, and cast them aside. I feel Gokey will run the same course on this season.
He doesn’t portray the same “aw shucks” persona as those two. He is in an entirely different class of irritation. Most already know about his ridiculous collection of thick-rimmed spectacles. Then tonight I had to watch as the cameras followed him back home, where he was gathered with about 50 family members. Gokey would act like a goofball in the middle of the room, and his entire clan would laugh uncontrollably at whatever he did. The whole scene came off as contrived and tacky. And I’ve gotten that feeling from this guy from day one. As he keeps moving on, he’ll become even worse, and hopefully, wear out his welcome. I’m scared of him, but I’ve made my stance and I’m sticking to it.
Very annoying
Michael Sarver +4500
If you’d like even more false hope, you can find him for +7000 at Matchbook before tonight’s show. I have dubbed Sarver as Grit Singer, as he grits his teeth and puffs out his bottom jaw and all those other stupid mannerisms that country singers practice. Grit Singer will be back on the oil rig in no time.
I always enjoy spotting the guys who are candidates to suffer from Jim Carrey Syndrome on these shows. You know, the decent looking guys with homely, or unattractive wives that stick with their man through all the hungry years no matter how bad times got. Then as soon as that man starts to make it big, he dumps his high school sweetheart for the first Lauren Holly hottie that makes eye contact him. Well yeah, Sarver is a great candidate this year.
Jasmine Murray +3200
Bread loves his beautiful dark ladies. I began to worry once the final nine were named and nobody who qualified was selected as of yet (no offense Lil Rounds!) Who would be my Jordin this year? Who would be my Syesha of Season 8? I was devastated. Then Murray brought her A-game in the wild card round and snuck into the final 13.
Then she sang Jackson’s “I’ll Be There”. Unfortunately, I don’t think she’ll be there next week. It’s really too bad. She looks just like a younger version of Kia Malone, a beautiful local newscaster here. Robyn had to snap me out of it during her performance to remind me that she was “very illegal”. Sixteen year olds really shouldn’t look like this. I won’t miss her that much though. They showed her mother and she looked more like Outkast’s Andre 3000. No thanks.
Uncanny resemblance
Kris Allen +2800
The last time Allen sang, he performed a terrible rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Change”…and it wasn’t even Michael Jackson night! I’m not a fan of this Hal Sparks lookalike at all. I originally slated him to be a very early casualty, but he plays the guitar and girls seem to love him.
Robyn informed me that he could be around longer than I think, because the girlys love these John Mayer/Jason Mraz types. She could be right. Simon said that he wasn’t sure that he would’ve brought his wife out in the front row so early in the show if he were him. The wife looked mortified. Just wail until he goes on the Idol Tour and hooks up with Lauren Holly, honey!
Allison Iraheta +1100
This raspy voiced 16 year old is one of my two dark horses who I feel could come on strong late in the season. I absolutely love her voice and she has the look of a rock star. Whatever happens on this show, I could see her carving a nice career for herself in the mold of Evanescence’s Amy Lee. Of course, that’s if she isn’t joining Nikki McKibbin on Celebrity Rehab in a few years (she has the look).
She is quite goofy when she talks to Ryan, to the point that you wonder if she is all there. The audience could disconnect for this reason, but I see her going very far. I’ll be looking at some head-to-head wagers vs. other competitors that will have value as the show gets going.
Anoop Desai +1400
Didn’t this movie just win the Best Picture Award? A young Indian lad overcomes obstacles to fulfill his destiny by making it big on a hit game show? Oh wait, there’s no happy ending for this story.
Anoop squawked his way through “Beat It”, and that’s just what he’ll do. Beat it. To give you an idea of how bad it was, Simon called it “stupid”.
Jorge Nunez +2000
Puerto Rico’s Nunez reminds me of a Spanish version of Frank Vincent a bit. You will remember him from all those gangster movies. Maybe it’s just me. Nunez manages to massacre a song I really like, “Never Can Say Goodbye”. For that he can not be forgiven. Jorge go home soon, just not yet. I think he’ll be safe for this elimination.
Reason number 34,349 that I love HD: Nunez’s freshly shaved chest stubble. It was, how do you say? Ah yes, very very unsexy. It also showcased his lazy eye, which I felt just reinforced negative stereotypes.
Megan Corkrey +1200
I’m beginning to wonder about myself. When I first saw Corkrey a few weeks ago, I actually said aloud that she was not that pretty. Hopefully I didn’t lose my man card for that. This girl is ridiculously attractive. Unlike with Murray, Megan has a hot mom too! Her mom looked like Cheryl Ladd. Plus she is from Utah, so you just know she’s naughty.
Corkrey will need her good looks to take her anywhere in this competition, as she is just middle-of-the-road as far as talent goes. I see a bright future for her in The Pussycat Dolls though.
Adam Lambert +205
The good news is, this guy has talent. The bad news is, he’s wearing more make-up than Megan and Ryan put together. The good news is, he has some serious stage presence. The bad news is, he shrieks til my ears bleed at times. The good news is, his voice reminds me of INXS’ Michael Hutchence quite a bit. The bad news is, I felt like I needed a shower after watching him sing.
Lambert is a huge favorite to win the whole show. Yes he looks like a flamboyant elf, and yes some racy photos were recently drummed up exposing his gay lifestyle (shocker?) but the judges are hot and heavy over this guy and the crowd loves him. I absolutely hate backing this big a favorite early on, but I have a feeling he could stick. Hopefully one of my dark horses can do some damage.
Matt Giraud +1400
Giraud played on the piano as well, and he sounded just fine. The problem with him is, he just doesn’t stick out. At all. Hell, I just fell asleep thinking about his performance.
Alexis Grace +1000
During Grace’s intro footage, they show her crying when she starts talking about her baby. She’s the second contestant to do this. Why does this happen? Everyone just stop crying! In Grace’s case, it’s even creepier because she looks a bit like Casey Anthony.
All crying aside, I love this girl on stage. She sings “Dirty Diana” and just destroys it in a good way. I think she will shine in weeks where she can show off her bluesy vocals more. She is my second dark horse pick, although it’s not likely that she will win it all. Once again, playing her to outlast other singers here will be the way to go.
Final picks:
Jasmine Murray and Anoop Desai to go home.
Adam Lambert to win, with some action on Allison Iraheta and Alexis Grace as well.
American Idol Final 13 Recap
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Originally Posted by Bread
